I genuinely started to believe that I was the problem…

We went to school together. He was popular, and everyone knew him. In the beginning, things were perfect. I was happy. I felt loved. I felt like I had won the white buffalo. Everyone wanted to be with this guy, and somehow I was the “lucky” one.

Eventually, things changed. If I didn’t message him back immediately, there was always a fight. He isolated me from certain friends (because these friends knew about him cheating on me). We got into one argument where he grabbed a steak knife and stabbed it into the cutting board my hand was on, barely missing it. Then, I found out I was pregnant and miscarrying his child in the same day, which I ended up dealing with completely alone. He told me if I wouldn’t have lost the baby, he would have left me but “would have come back, eventually”. He was very narcissistic and really good at gas lighting.

During everything, I felt worthless. I felt like everything was my fault. I didn’t understand why my love and everything I did for him wasn’t enough. Honestly, I started questioning my own sanity, which is also VERY common in abusive relationships. He was so good at gaslighting and flipping things on me, I genuinely started to believe that I was the problem.

Today, I feel strong, empowered, happy, and at peace with everything I’ve been through. I feel like the reason this happened to me is because I didn’t take the proper time to really get to know and love myself as a teenager. I always had a boyfriend. I couldn’t be alone. So I really worked on being alone, and learning about myself, and LOVING myself. Lots of meditation, self affirmations, and support from people who REALLY love me has saved me.

To anyone experiencing abuseā€¦ If your loved ones are worried about you, please listen. I know it’s easy to see through rose colored glasses when you’re so in love with someone. I am guilty of holding onto the person I fell in love with, and ignoring the person that is standing right in front of me. But I always knew the difference, as much as I did not want to accept it. Love yourself first.

Serina H.

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