I thought he was everything I ever wanted…
We met in an MSN chatroom in 2002. In the beginning, I thought he was everything I ever wanted. He offered me every good thing I thought I wanted and needed in my life. He was my beautiful broken man, and I thought I was his saviour. The changes started soon after we moved in together. At first, it was stopping me from spending time with friends and family, telling me which clothes to wear, not letting me wear makeup, taking my money from me, and ended up with him controlling every aspect of my life. I felt ashamed, scared, and trapped.
It’s 13 years later, and I have a 13 year old son from the relationship. It’s hard to say I would have done things different. The lessons I learned from him have shaped who I am today, and given me the tool box I needed to help others in similar situations. However, I have PTSD, and as emotionally stable as I am now, parts of me will always be broken.
To anyone experiencing abuse… You are not alone, there are people who have walked in your shoes and have the knowledge and resources to help you. You know what you need to do to keep yourself safe, you’ve probably been doing it for some time now. But they won’t change, they aren’t going to magically turn back into that person that stole your heart. That person is a facade, and doesn’t exist. You can take your power back, you reclaim your life, but first you need to reach out to people who can help you, then they can help you start to plan your safe exit plan so that you can keep you and your loved ones safe.
You are not alone.