I still blame myself.

We met in college. I opened up to him about a very secretive part of my life and he was there for me. He comforted me. He helped me through it in the beginning. Eventually he started participating, contributing, and putting me right back into that lifestyle that I tried to escape from the beginning. I think he saw someone who was weak and he knew he can manipulate. There are so many horrible memories. I remembered being pulled by my clothes and my hair on gravel. I was kicked, punched, shoved, threatened, blackmailed, raped, tormented. There were a few instances where the police was dispatched. I had the opportunity to report it to the police multiple times but I choose to hide it all and take the blame on myself.

I think the most horrifying and what I feel was holding me back from getting out of this relationship the most, was the fact that he would threaten me with taking his own life. This had always terrified me and was the main and hardest part about leaving this relationship. He used to Facetime me with a gun pointed at his face. He would shoot it a few times in the air so that I could hear it was loaded and that he was serious. I remember every time I tried to leave the relationship, I would be faced with two decisions. Either, I’ll be at fault for his death, or I go back into this abusive relationship and keep my mouth shut. I did leave this relationship successfully and he is still alive so looking back, I was so convinced that I had only two options. Both horrible. But both didn’t happen. However, I do believe that if he had the chance, he would be crazy enough to take both our lives. Because if he “can’t have me, then no one can”.

It felt like I should have never opened up to anyone. I often feel so alone and to this day, I don’t feel comfortable sharing some of the deepest/intimate parts of my life to people I love. It’s such a burden to carry around. I’m still in recovery on learning to trust and open up to people that love me and people that I love. I don’t know why after I get out of an abusive relationship, I get right back into another one. It was a cycle of abuse after abuse. I still think to this day, it was my fault. There must have been something I could do better.

I am married now with a wonderful man. I’m medicated with anxiety and depression and my husband is very supportive of the helping me recover from this trauma. No matter how much he says its not my fault. I can’t believe that. I still blame myself. If I had just been more patient, more loving, maybe I can help these men in my past relationship find peace and help? Anyway, if you are reading this and know how to help me on the road of recovery and healing, let me know. I still feel like my past haunts me. My husband is super understanding and loving but I feel like only I can help myself.

To anyone experiencing abuse… Don’t push family and friends away. Try to believe they are there to help. You are not unique. Others can relate to you and help you.